Originally when working on the outline for the order in which I would do these posts, I had intended to do “what to do during free-time” after "work"; because, obviously, that is the logical next step. However, relationships onboard can greatly impact your free time.
Friends
Because you are leaving your friends behind when you first come on the ships, one of the first steps people take is to try to find friends. Friends are a necessity as a support system, for comfort in the hard-times, and to help fill the void left by the separation of you and your friends back home (and hopefully avoid SOME homesickness).
I have a small advantage in this regard and it wasn’t just my magnetic and charming personality (…and yes I am rolling my eyes are hard as you are while I am typing that sentence). But, before I get into my spot of good luck, allow me to give you some background about me as a person and my romantic history.
Taylor’s Love Life (or mostly lack thereof)
To say that my past dating history has been rocky would be an understatement. While I try to keep this blog focused on me and my life on the ships (and keep the general tone positive), the past shapes the future and a lot of interactions in my life are a result of these past experiences.
I have dated a guy who had another boyfriend behind my back (along with cheating on me multiple times), another who was emotionally abusive, a guy who constantly tried to check my phone because he didn’t trust me, one who told me that he hoped I died, and yet another who left me to get back together with their ex. For so many other guys I was “great,” just “not great for them.” There was always someone better, nicer, more handsome, etc. (a lot of which contributed to my very poor self-image). I know I am not guilt-free, I have treated men badly in the past and I have been trying to grow as a person. These people may have grown since then (and I am even friends with a couple of them), but the impact on me was profound.
My last boyfriend was when I was 20 and I have been single ever since (save for a couple dates). This was never really by choice. I have very unique outlooks on dating and relationships (or at least, I thought they were unique until I moved to Chicago): I believe in open relationships or polyamory (which ever is mutually agreed upon) that is built on trust and open communication. So, obviously this doesn’t attract everyone… Plus, I can’t sell myself very well (see my earlier post where I talk about my poor interviewing skills). I am terrified to go up and talk to people I find attractive and my idea of flirting is creepily staring and making sarcastic, darkly-humorous jokes. I blame my parents (obviously joking).
That all changed last November when I met (on a cruise no less) a guy named Nathan. We are almost the same age and were immediately drawn to each other. From the day we met, we spoke every day for hours. All my insecurities vanished because regardless of how I felt about myself, he liked me exactly how I was. We made fantastic plans to take a trip together (plans I was determined to see through). Because he lived on another continent and had already planned to take a cruise with his friends, it was decided I would join him on this trip. I worked every day for two months to be able to afford it.
All the while, I am going through my cruise application process. Not only was he supportive, he was one of my biggest cheerleaders (I even mention him in a previous post, mentioning him as one of the people I called first when I found out I got the job). The job happened to be on the cruise-line I was intending to join him on. I had the money, so I booked the trip… Well, the day after I booked the trip, he became distant. When we stopped talking regularly, he wrote it off as a busy work schedule. My friends could all see that I was anxious and uneasy. Sure enough, 4 days before the trip, he ends it (and with that came back all my insecurities, "Obviously, something must be wrong with me.")… Even better, the next day I find out I will be working on the ship I now found myself going on alone. Just to add insult to injury, this ship also happens to make port in city he lives next to…. If there is a god, she too has a dark sense of humor.
Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program
So, like a phoenix, out of my heartbreak came opportunity. I was able to meet and bond with some people and coworkers on the ship I would be going to (lucky I found this out beforehand, otherwise the trip would’ve been a total loss). I had a leg up and had already made friends. However, there are some circumstances that make finding friends more difficult.
Friends from Afar
There is a phrase that is commonly thrown around on the ship: “Paisano.” In layman’s terms, this phrase basically means your own type of people, referring to nationality. Outside of your department, who are usually the easiest people with whom you can make friends, the next easiest are people who come from a similar background.
Unfortunately, I work for a company that, unlike many American-centric cruise-lines, caters to a very international market. This means that, on both ships I’ve been on, I have been the only (or one of the only) Americans working on the ship. Also, my lack of ability to speak in other languages doesn’t help. Many of the nationalities that band together on the ship tend to speak in their common tongue. And who can blame them? This means I should get alone well with other native English-speakers, but even those are incredibly rare. I can be sitting in a circle of 10 people, all speaking in a language I do not understand and it makes you feel incredibly isolated.
Friends in a Nutshell
One aspect of working on a cruise ship that has made it incredibly fulfilling has been the ability to meet and make friends with people from all over the world. I have had the opportunity to spend time with people from countries I couldn’t have found on a map with a gun pointed at my head. This opportunity that has taught me more about difficult cultures than I ever learned off-ship.
One other pleasant surprise has been the ease in which I manage the make friends in different departments. While people you directly work with on a regular (read: daily) basis tend to be the ones you develop the closest bond with, I have many friends in damn-near every department. Meeting and making friends with these people is a great way to broaden your horizons and learn more about the ship and different positions.
Dating
When I came to work on a cruise ship, one of the influencing factors was that I was technically single. I was talking to a guy, but he lived overseas and I never would’ve expected that I would end up on a ship that would make port in his city. So, I assumed that many of the people on the ship would likely be single. I was wrong. Many people who are on the ship have significant others (dating or married) both on and off the ship. Though my experience has made me familiar with a new term: ship boyfriend/girlfriend.
Because so many people, like their onshore counterparts, crave the intimacy of a significant other, they tend to look for romantic partners onboard Unfortunately, it is very difficult to guarantee future contracts together and can therefore be hard to continue, unlike most relationships on land. This is especially true when they could conceivably live continents away. However, I have met innumerable people who have even married the people they have met working on cruise ships.
The Love(less) Boat
Sadly, like my life on land, I have not been particularly successful in finding a relationship. Through I am hardly alone. Dating on a cruise ship is fraught with unforeseen complications: cabin-mates, conflicting work schedules and inconsistent times for dates, language Barries, and cultural differences. Along with the normal complications of dating (and adding in the sexual incompatibility of gay men and women and their heterosexual ship-mates), it isn’t entirely surprising to hear that some people don’t even bother trying to go down this path.
Sex on the High Seas
One thing that did not live up to the expectations set forth by the friends I’ve met that currently, or have in the past, work(ed) on cruise ships: cruise-life is not the bastion of guilt-free sex with attractive multi-cultural people that they described to me. This is not true of everyone, though I’ve met people who expertly navigate these waters I have not been nearly as successful. Some pitfalls that I’ve witnessed may seem obvious in hindsight, but some you may never see coming.
One major factor to look at with sex is to be careful who you choose. This is obvious, but the reasons may not be entirely apparently. For one, first and foremost, you’re in a place of work; making unwanted sexual advances can result in action taken by HR. It is even discouraged (in our welcome aboard informational packet) that we not initiate and contact or behaviors that could be perceived as sexual. Also, while it is well within your liberty to date or sleep with your coworkers, you should always be conscientious of how it can affect your working environment.
While not always true, if you sleep with someone, it is safe to assume some people will likely know about it. People on cruse ships are prone to some level of adolescent gossip; and, if you give someone a reason to, will talk bout their experience with you with their paisano, friends, or entire department. You may also find that the rumors are like a game of telephone: that they spread fast, wide, and are horribly distorted from the truth
Another hurdle is mutual interest and attractions. Just like on land, some people are focused on finding a relationship, while others are focused on having as much fun as possible outside of work. Unlike on land, some people are only here to work and prefer to make connections back at home. Also, there is the necessity of mutual sexual attraction as well as cultural views of sex/sexual relationships.
The (sometimes) biggest aspect of sex on a ship is location. Sex can be prevented easily due to lack of venue. Sex in passenger areas (even with other crew members) is punishable with termination; and, unless you are a manager, you are at the mercy of your cabin-mate. While some people feel rules are made to be broken; people are regularly disembarked for infractions regarding sexual misconduct
If the Boat’s A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’
I mostly just wanted to title the last part of this post for the sake of my own amusement. But here I will more directly address the questions that have been posed to me that do not fit into the overall narrative, structural flow of the rest of this post.
-Are you allowed to sleep with passengers? Do people still do it? Have I?
The simplest answer the first part of this question is no. Any form of sexual act with a passenger is punishable by immediate termination. Even going to a passenger’s cabin without a work-related need (or they are not pre-authorized family or friends) is punishable by termination. Many people say to me, “Well, there is no way for them to know.” There are hundreds upon hundreds of cameras throughout the ships that are under regular surveillance. There are regular patrols throughout the corridors on the ship by people going about their jobs in various departments, and guests and crew alike can report you. We are even discouraged from hugging passengers for the sake of avoiding complication with guests who could report this as sexual behavior (unless it is initiated by the guest). The solution I’ve heard is most commonly employed to avoid getting caught is meeting ashore (which is still against the rules, but harder to get caught).
Do crew still sleep with passengers on the ship? Of course they do. Like I mentioned before, people are regularly disembarked for sexual misconduct (both with and without passengers). However, there are more, even still, who get away with it and enjoy it almost as a form of sport. They like the thrill of getting away with it. This is why the answer to the last part of the question is another no. I don’t believe I could get over my nerves or fear of getting caught.
-How has sex and dating been for you on the ship?
Please allow me to first respond to this question with approximately 10 minutes continuous laughter. I can’t even get a date on land with a larger pool of possibilities (even coming from a very liberal, progressive, sex-positive gay city). There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but that doesn’t mean I am good at fishing.
I have been ending the last couple posts by specifically talking about how certain aspects of my personality have made it more difficult for me to adapt to life aboard: namely my low self-esteem. I have given more background about the root of those problems in this post, so you can see that one BIG area this is likely to affect me is in the dating/sex department. However, a few other aspects of my personality play a factor here as well. One is my near constant need for approval, which creates an almost desperate need for acceptance and regular reassurance. The other is that I am someone who feels emotions very strongly. If I am sad or depressed, I can sometimes be paralyzed with the feeling. If I am happy, I am manic and sometimes even a little crazy. Also, I have a lot of love to give. I tend to find myself easily capable of developing crushes on people, and it can sometimes be multiple people at once. Well, imagine what it must have been like for someone like me to come on to the ship and find themselves surrounded by countless good-looking, kind people, from a variety of cultures. I found myself attracted to too many people. It may have only been 3-4 people, but this created an image in others' minds that I was a slut or that I was chasing after all the guys on the ship. Have I had sex on the ship? Of course I have (almost everyone who is single working on ships has had sex if they were so inclined for it to happen); but these people told other people that it happened and this just bolstered the opinions that people had already formulated about me. The ultimate irony is that I would love to have sex regularly, but I have had less sex than almost anyone else I have talked to on the ship.
Again, other problems stand in my way of building these types of meaningful (or less meaningful) connections with people. I have terrible anxiety when it comes to approaching people. I was raised in a society that was teetering on the cusp of acceptance of LGBTQIA people, and unfortunately had a near constant fear of approaching people who’s sexuality is unknown for fear of retaliation. Especially in a multi-cultural setting, where this could be made worse by cultural differences. This hasn’t really been the case, and even the straight people I met on the ship are nice, and accepting, and don’t treat adoration by a gay man as some kind of travesty. But also, there is a deficit of out-and-proud gay men on some of these ships. My first ship had a very small cross section of crew that was gay and (while there were others that didn’t tell people, or were on the down-low) they weren’t particularly open to dating or sex (at least not with me, from my experience). The second ship was populated by TONS of gay men, and it presented a different problem. Because there are so many of them they had more choice and would instead choose to pursue other guys that may be considered more desirable on the ships.
Ultimately I feel that I could conceivably find a boyfriend, or sex, or whatever I may be looking for, if I could only first figure out exactly what I want... I tend to be all over the place (just take a look at these posts before editing). While I know who I am or am not attracted to, I know that the biggest obstacle to overcome when it comes to these things is me. I know that I am my biggest problem and it stems from my self-esteem. So... I am the problem, and I need to stop seeing myself a problem to fix that problem. Like I said before, I may have the self-awareness necessary to see the problems I have, but not always the ideas of how best to approach it. But I am trying. But maybe, now knowing what to expect regarding sex/dating on cruise ships, I can avoid some of the mistakes and pitfalls that I landed myself in during this first contract.
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